I finally changed the time on my phone from Dubai time to Karachi time, moved the clocks an hour forward.
Its only a time zone but it felt a lot like saying goodbye.
I want to live a life worth writing about. These days I often find myself wallowing in self-pity, on my worst days I lie in bed just thinking about the alternative lives I could have lived. I want new, exciting experiences. I started working 4 weeks ago and the novelty of having hot chai on demand and my own desk is quickly wearing off, I crave adventure, fulfillment, the Gemini in me is restless. These days I have a lot of time, that's the bad thing, if I don't keep myself occupied I ruin myself, consumed with negative thoughts I want to be the type of person that chases after what I want but these days all I do is talk about things I want to do but never get around to doing them. I was supposed to start uni a month ago but I'm in a funk and I truly want to believe it gets better but the only progress I've made is transitioning from depression to a sort of reluctant acceptance of this is my life this is who I am now, this is what I do.
I want to talk about this, about my failure, I want to be able to stand tall and say:
"Yes, my life has completely been derailed right now but that doesn't mean it'll be like this forever, I have faith that whatever has happened has happened for a reason". I want to make the best of a bad situation but I don't know how I feel like I've lost my way, my GPS has completely rerouted - I must have missed a turn or something I don't know where I went wrong but I'm not at my destination, I'm not where I'm supposed to be.
It will get better it will and I want to be able to talk about it, to not let something like this define me or set the tone for the rest of my life but sometimes I get so sad it scares me.
But maybe this IS the life I need to write about - everybody talks about sneaking out with their friends, smoking as you watch the sunrise or some bs like that. No one talks about this - the loneliness, the alienation, being in a familiar city, being home but not being around the people that make it home. It’s like I spent 4 years lost at sea and when I finally embraced the waters as my home I found myself sailing to shore, landing on soil that once seemed so familiar but everything around me had changed.
I want to update this blog more - talk about my favorite books, movies, failure, getting through hard times but I realized that I can't fake this positivity, the idea that everything is okay when inside I am crumbling. So from now on I'm just being real.
And yes, it isn’t as bad as it seems, there are good days and they are glorious. Sitting on greasy chairs in boat basin, fingers digging into oily parathas and kebabs that melt into your mouth, hair smelling like smoke. Or chatting with my colleagues during lunch break, ranking the best Game of Thrones deaths, making movie plans, talking about our futures. There is this, there is belonging, there is hope.
There's a Virginia Woolf quote that rattles around in my brain every now and then - I am rooted but I flow, I may be rooted out of circumstance but I don’t want that to stop me from flowing.
The universe has a lot of things in store for me but I need to be patient, sabr. I should enjoy this time, there will probably never be a time like this again where life will slow down for me like this, I want to spend this year working on myself, on growing, improving, taking care of myself – of my body, enriching my soul, watching all the movies on my bucket list, reading all the books I never got to finish, writing my novel, learning how to drive, to play an instrument, to volunteer, to give back to society. Learning how to slow down.
I will write as I always have done, and the words will come as they always do. They will come to me when I am ready.
Meanwhile, I'm listening to the La La Land soundtrack on repeat and eating gummy bears, self-care is important after all.