If I could pick one word to describe 2017 for me it would be Azmaish.
(s/o to Insoo for giving a name to the way I've been feeling)
Azmaish (n.) - a trial, or a test.
This year was rocky for me, and while there is so much to mourn there's also so much to celebrate. I graduated school, I worked my ass off and got good grades (say MA!), I moved back to Karachi and I got my first job. I don't usually give too much importance to new years because I believe we as human beings are constantly changing, constantly evolving and we don't need Mondays or 1st of January's to help identify that or kick start our goals. I don't do resolutions either because I try not to expect too much from myself so I don't end up disappointed but that's a shitty way to live so here's to 2018 and changing negative thought patterns. Here are a couple of 2018 resolutions/promises/reminders from my heart to yours:
1. Stop being so afraid: of rejection, of new experiences, of sharing my heart with people, of not being good enough. I owe it to myself to be brave.
2. Do not settle for mediocrity: my goals, my dreams, the places I go, my writing, the friends I make. My whole life I've had high expectations, high standards and I''m not giving up on them now no matter how many times I'm disappointed or how many hurdles I face. I was always meant for bigger and brighter things. I get defeated way too easily but I forget that I'm 19 and that I haven't seen enough of the world yet for me to let it defeat me or let one tiny tragedy define the rest of my life.
3. Stop half-assing things: write that novel I've been wanting to write, learn to drive properly, play the ukulele. just do it already.
4. Always, always be kind. To other people and to myself, especially on days when I think i don’t deserve it.
5. Learn to say no. (generic but important)
6. Pray more
7. Spend more on the people I love, not just money but time too: buy Amma flowers, take Ubeer out for coffee, help Abba rearrange his sock drawer.
8. Stop being so hard on myself, or feeling self-pity. This negative attitude needs to go, there's no place for it in my life.
9. Write. Write. Write.
10. Remind myself that I don’t always have to accomplish great things to give my life meaning. Alternatively, stop searching for meaning, not everything has to matter (this one was inspired by the lovely Alaska Gold)
December 14th 2017
I started writing again.
I feel like something colossal has to happen to me something big and bad to get my words flowing again, maybe this is why I keep chasing danger, because it gives me something to write about. I keep weighing down my heart until it can no longer take it, I like pushing it to see how much I can take, how long until it bursts.
It is December and I haven’t been feeling like myself. In Karachi my heart stops then starts again, just when I think things are good and under control the negative thinking patterns come back again, each time worse. The words are threatening to spill out but I’m trying to sew my mouth shut, I don’t know how much of this I can handle only that I need to stop before it gets worse. I had a phone conversation with Inseya yesterday, nobody knows my heart like she does, to have a friendship like ours is a blessing I don’t take for granted. She is someone who knows exactly what my soul needs to hear, we talk and talk and talk until the beating of my heart starts to feel familiar again.
December 15th 2017
Today was a good day. I could feel it in my bones when I woke up this morning, the room was cold but I was so warm in the blankets. I danced around to ABBA in my bedroom, opened the curtains and kissed the sun good morning. I spent a long time taking a hot bath, washing yesterday out of my hair, scrubbing my skin, I rubbed lotion over my legs, skin care is something I neglect a lot but I'm trying to be better at it. It was a friday, fridays are so so special to me. fridays feel like new beginnings. Kids by MGMT came on the radio on the way to work and even though I was late, for once i wasn't hurrying, everything was in the right place at the right time, the stillness was good.
December 17th 2017
These days I find myself waking up at odd hours of the night and reaching for something but I don’t know what. Everything I want in life is over some line or a phone or a screen or just over some timeline I haven't reached yet and so I am grasping at nothingness.
But there are Sundays and waking up cuddled under the blankets, sleepy conversations with best friends, a winter sun, the warmth of a beautiful patch of light in my drawing room and lemon trees and pavlovas and Novo Amor. There is so much to die for but there is also so much to live for and no time for sadness
Today has gotten me feeling a certain kind of hopeful - my heart feels full and happy, like the kind of feeling I get after jumping on a bouncy castle or blowing bubbles.
This was supposed to be a journal entry about how sometimes I have to force myself to wash my hair or get out of bed or brush my teeth, that I'm teetering and I've lost sight of who I am, my morals, my passions but then I stumbled across a delicious corner of sunlight and promptly forgot all my grievances.So I listened to Frank Sinatra and sipped coffee and felt warm and alive and beautiful, re-invigorated with purpose. In this December flavored sun, the possibilities of who I am, of what I can do are limitless.
The year may be ending but perhaps I am just beginning.