I finally changed the time on my phone from Dubai time to Karachi time, moved the clocks an hour forward.
Its only a time zone but it felt a lot like saying goodbye.
I want to live a life worth writing about. These days I often find myself wallowing in self-pity, on my worst days I lie in bed just thinking about the alternative lives I could have lived. I want new, exciting experiences. I started working 4 weeks ago and the novelty of having hot chai on demand and my own desk is quickly wearing off, I crave adventure, fulfillment, the Gemini in me is restless. These days I have a lot of time, that's the bad thing, if I don't keep myself occupied I ruin myself, consumed with negative thoughts I want to be the type of person that chases after what I want but these days all I do is talk about things I want to do but never get around to doing them. I was supposed to start uni a month ago but I'm in a funk and I truly want to believe it gets better but the only progress I've made is transitioning from depression to a sort of reluctant acceptance of this is my life this is who I am now, this is what I do.
I want to talk about this, about my failure, I want to be able to stand tall and say:
"Yes, my life has completely been derailed right now but that doesn't mean it'll be like this forever, I have faith that whatever has happened has happened for a reason". I want to make the best of a bad situation but I don't know how I feel like I've lost my way, my GPS has completely rerouted - I must have missed a turn or something I don't know where I went wrong but I'm not at my destination, I'm not where I'm supposed to be.
It will get better it will and I want to be able to talk about it, to not let something like this define me or set the tone for the rest of my life but sometimes I get so sad it scares me.
But maybe this IS the life I need to write about - everybody talks about sneaking out with their friends, smoking as you watch the sunrise or some bs like that. No one talks about this - the loneliness, the alienation, being in a familiar city, being home but not being around the people that make it home. It’s like I spent 4 years lost at sea and when I finally embraced the waters as my home I found myself sailing to shore, landing on soil that once seemed so familiar but everything around me had changed.
I want to update this blog more - talk about my favorite books, movies, failure, getting through hard times but I realized that I can't fake this positivity, the idea that everything is okay when inside I am crumbling. So from now on I'm just being real.
And yes, it isn’t as bad as it seems, there are good days and they are glorious. Sitting on greasy chairs in boat basin, fingers digging into oily parathas and kebabs that melt into your mouth, hair smelling like smoke. Or chatting with my colleagues during lunch break, ranking the best Game of Thrones deaths, making movie plans, talking about our futures. There is this, there is belonging, there is hope.
There's a Virginia Woolf quote that rattles around in my brain every now and then - I am rooted but I flow, I may be rooted out of circumstance but I don’t want that to stop me from flowing.
The universe has a lot of things in store for me but I need to be patient, sabr. I should enjoy this time, there will probably never be a time like this again where life will slow down for me like this, I want to spend this year working on myself, on growing, improving, taking care of myself – of my body, enriching my soul, watching all the movies on my bucket list, reading all the books I never got to finish, writing my novel, learning how to drive, to play an instrument, to volunteer, to give back to society. Learning how to slow down.
I will write as I always have done, and the words will come as they always do. They will come to me when I am ready.
Meanwhile, I'm listening to the La La Land soundtrack on repeat and eating gummy bears, self-care is important after all.
Today, I'm going to be sharing a couple of my favorite things *cue Sound of Music*
Seriously though, this blog has mainly been a portfolio for my writing and poetry so I thought it'd be fun to switch it up and talk about some lipsticks that I've been loving this summer.
Two of my absolute favorite, must try lippies this summer have been a beautiful peachy-nude Huda Beauty liquid lipstick and this gorgeous reddish-burgundy color by Mac.
#1. Huda Beauty Liquid Matte Lipstick in Trendsetter
If you guys are lipstick addicts like me then you know how hard it is to find the perfect nude lipstick that doesn't make you look too ashy or washed out. And I am so, so lucky to have finally found my everyday nude. This is literally my go-to lipstick, I've already finished an entire tube of this lipstick, it is beyond amazing. I've tried a bunch of Huda's lipsticks and Bombshell, which most people rave about as being a perfect nude made me look SOOO washed out so this may look darker on people with fairer complexions but I'm sure it'll look gorgeous regardless.
Why I love this lipstick:
Where can I find this? This retails at Sephora in Dubai for AED 100 or you can buy it on Huda Beauty's official website here for $27.
I'm not sure where you can find an original in Pakistan but I did seem to spot some at Vicky's in Khadda Market in Karachi and in the Ammi's cosmetics section.
#2. Mac Cosmetics Matte Lipstick in Diva
Okay, listen up, I know this is more of a fall shade per say but I couldn't resist adding this to the list. I'm generally someone who tends to shy away from reds and dark colors, preferring to stick to browns, nudes, and plums so you have to believe me when I say that this lipstick is TO DIE FOR!
You have no idea how beautiful and creamy and smooth this lipstick is.. This is perfect for evening wear - for parties or a formal dinner, to dress up a casual outfit or add a pop of color. This is the holy grail of reds I'm telling you (don't tell me this is too dark to be a red, I will fight you)
Why I love this lipstick:
Where can I find this? It is slightly on the pricey side but most Mac cosmetics are. It retails for $17.50 on Mac's official website, I think in Dubai it's more expensive at 120 AED.
#3. Soap and Glory Smooch Operator Lip Butter Balm
Sorry, couldn't take any pictures of this one - this is just a regular type lip balm that comes in a small 8g jar, it has a pink sheen to it but goes on clear. I saw this at the pharmacy and couldn't resist the cute packaging, plus I'm a sucker for lip balms and chap sticks. I have chronically chapped and dry lips no matter how much I moisturize and how much water I drink because I have the tendency to pick at the dead skin on my lips (TMI?) I only started using this last month but I have noticed a slight improvement and I literally cannot stop using this because of how nice it smells.
Why I love this lip balm:
Where can I find this? I got it from Boots for 50 AED I think but you can get it online on the Boots website or their website for £5
Bonus: check out some of their other stuff, slightly pricey but such nice packaging and totally worth the cost!
That's all for now - bye guys!
There are two of you – double vision, double trouble.
Two of you – the body and the soul.
Eros, they say, eros.
Eros is an anagram for Rose. Rose tinted glasses. Rosy cheeks. Rising.
Eros is your skin itching when you hear the word home
Eros is your heart in your ears. Blood on your tongue.
Eros is your soul slamming against your ribs begging to be let out.
Eros, it whispers, eros. Let me go home. Let me be free.
Softly, softly – let it blossom let it grow.
A quickening of the pulse.
A two fanged viper waiting to strike.
Your body is fighting back now.
Body against soul
Patient body restless soul.
Your body hurts you because it loves you.
The twins Castor and Pollux. Hatched from the same egg. Separated only by death. Now they’re both stars in the sky. Look. Look. There they are, wave hi, it’s Gemini.
When I die make me a star. Paint me a constellation. Mold me a galaxy.
Make me a Gemini.
I wrote this poem because its both a blessing and a curse to be two halves of a whole. It is both beautiful and terrifying to feel so intensely - I am constantly contradicting myself, wanting to do too much, it is scary being two beings at once. And I love it.