December 14th 2017
3:10AM I started writing again. I feel like something colossal has to happen to me something big and bad to get my words flowing again, maybe this is why I keep chasing danger, because it gives me something to write about. I keep weighing down my heart until it can no longer take it, I like pushing it to see how much I can take, how long until it bursts. It is December and I haven’t been feeling like myself. In Karachi my heart stops then starts again, just when I think things are good and under control the negative thinking patterns come back again, each time worse. The words are threatening to spill out but I’m trying to sew my mouth shut, I don’t know how much of this I can handle only that I need to stop before it gets worse. I had a phone conversation with Inseya yesterday, nobody knows my heart like she does, to have a friendship like ours is a blessing I don’t take for granted. She is someone who knows exactly what my soul needs to hear, we talk and talk and talk until the beating of my heart starts to feel familiar again. December 15th 2017 4:05PM Today was a good day. I could feel it in my bones when I woke up this morning, the room was cold but I was so warm in the blankets. I danced around to ABBA in my bedroom, opened the curtains and kissed the sun good morning. I spent a long time taking a hot bath, washing yesterday out of my hair, scrubbing my skin, I rubbed lotion over my legs, skin care is something I neglect a lot but I'm trying to be better at it. It was a friday, fridays are so so special to me. fridays feel like new beginnings. Kids by MGMT came on the radio on the way to work and even though I was late, for once i wasn't hurrying, everything was in the right place at the right time, the stillness was good. December 17th 2017 1:04PM These days I find myself waking up at odd hours of the night and reaching for something but I don’t know what. Everything I want in life is over some line or a phone or a screen or just over some timeline I haven't reached yet and so I am grasping at nothingness. But there are Sundays and waking up cuddled under the blankets, sleepy conversations with best friends, a winter sun, the warmth of a beautiful patch of light in my drawing room and lemon trees and pavlovas and Novo Amor. There is so much to die for but there is also so much to live for and no time for sadness Today has gotten me feeling a certain kind of hopeful - my heart feels full and happy, like the kind of feeling I get after jumping on a bouncy castle or blowing bubbles. This was supposed to be a journal entry about how sometimes I have to force myself to wash my hair or get out of bed or brush my teeth, that I'm teetering and I've lost sight of who I am, my morals, my passions but then I stumbled across a delicious corner of sunlight and promptly forgot all my grievances.So I listened to Frank Sinatra and sipped coffee and felt warm and alive and beautiful, re-invigorated with purpose. In this December flavored sun, the possibilities of who I am, of what I can do are limitless. The year may be ending but perhaps I am just beginning.
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I finally changed the time on my phone from Dubai time to Karachi time, moved the clocks an hour forward.
Its only a time zone but it felt a lot like saying goodbye. *** I want to live a life worth writing about. These days I often find myself wallowing in self-pity, on my worst days I lie in bed just thinking about the alternative lives I could have lived. I want new, exciting experiences. I started working 4 weeks ago and the novelty of having hot chai on demand and my own desk is quickly wearing off, I crave adventure, fulfillment, the Gemini in me is restless. These days I have a lot of time, that's the bad thing, if I don't keep myself occupied I ruin myself, consumed with negative thoughts I want to be the type of person that chases after what I want but these days all I do is talk about things I want to do but never get around to doing them. I was supposed to start uni a month ago but I'm in a funk and I truly want to believe it gets better but the only progress I've made is transitioning from depression to a sort of reluctant acceptance of this is my life this is who I am now, this is what I do. I want to talk about this, about my failure, I want to be able to stand tall and say: "Yes, my life has completely been derailed right now but that doesn't mean it'll be like this forever, I have faith that whatever has happened has happened for a reason". I want to make the best of a bad situation but I don't know how I feel like I've lost my way, my GPS has completely rerouted - I must have missed a turn or something I don't know where I went wrong but I'm not at my destination, I'm not where I'm supposed to be. It will get better it will and I want to be able to talk about it, to not let something like this define me or set the tone for the rest of my life but sometimes I get so sad it scares me. But maybe this IS the life I need to write about - everybody talks about sneaking out with their friends, smoking as you watch the sunrise or some bs like that. No one talks about this - the loneliness, the alienation, being in a familiar city, being home but not being around the people that make it home. It’s like I spent 4 years lost at sea and when I finally embraced the waters as my home I found myself sailing to shore, landing on soil that once seemed so familiar but everything around me had changed. I want to update this blog more - talk about my favorite books, movies, failure, getting through hard times but I realized that I can't fake this positivity, the idea that everything is okay when inside I am crumbling. So from now on I'm just being real. And yes, it isn’t as bad as it seems, there are good days and they are glorious. Sitting on greasy chairs in boat basin, fingers digging into oily parathas and kebabs that melt into your mouth, hair smelling like smoke. Or chatting with my colleagues during lunch break, ranking the best Game of Thrones deaths, making movie plans, talking about our futures. There is this, there is belonging, there is hope. There's a Virginia Woolf quote that rattles around in my brain every now and then - I am rooted but I flow, I may be rooted out of circumstance but I don’t want that to stop me from flowing. The universe has a lot of things in store for me but I need to be patient, sabr. I should enjoy this time, there will probably never be a time like this again where life will slow down for me like this, I want to spend this year working on myself, on growing, improving, taking care of myself – of my body, enriching my soul, watching all the movies on my bucket list, reading all the books I never got to finish, writing my novel, learning how to drive, to play an instrument, to volunteer, to give back to society. Learning how to slow down. I will write as I always have done, and the words will come as they always do. They will come to me when I am ready. Meanwhile, I'm listening to the La La Land soundtrack on repeat and eating gummy bears, self-care is important after all. *** |
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December 2017
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